Worried about someone - Kent & Medway Domestic Abuse Partnership

Supporting someone
Approaching the conversation
Expand your knowledge

Is someone you know is in an abusive relationship?

Warning signs of domestic abuse are not always physical or visible. Changes in behaviour can be an indication that something isn’t ok.

Warning signs

Being quiet, reserved and distant
Being depressed, anxious or distracted
Changing their appearance either to hide injuries like wearing long sleeves or more make-up or to meet the abusive person’s expectations
Receiving or making repeated calls or texts when they aren’t with their partner or family
Beginning to isolate themselves

Not being as social as they used to be, cancelling plans or not contacting their friends
Taking the blame for any problem in their relationship
Having lower confidence or self-esteem
Excessively ‘clock-watching’ or being anxious about getting home on time
Having someone else who appears to make all the decisions for them

Not sure if it is abuse?

Is this abuse?

Understand the different signs and behaviours a victim experiences

Is this sexual abuse?

Understand more about what is sexual abuse

You don’t realise how you are being conditioned.

You end up being so confused as you're being mentally manipulated, chasing the high of that intense love you were first cruelly offered and occasionally get fed to lure you in.
Laura

How to support someone experiencing domestic abuse

You do not need to be an expert to support someone experiencing abuse. Being someone they can talk to, and believing them, can help them to get professional help.

You might be the first person they turn to. They may not realise that what they are experiencing is abuse.

Create a safe, private space

To check in to see if everything is ok. If they’re not ready to talk, be patient – it can take time.

Use supportive language and questioning

Trying phrases such as, “Is everything OK?” and “I’m worried about you because…” Tell them “I’m here if you want to talk”

Listen to them and believe what they say

Be patient and don’t judge or get frustrated if they feel unable to leave the relationship. Thank them for sharing. Tell them you believe them.

Acknowledge their situation

Confirm that they do not deserve to be treated that way and reassure them that it’s not their fault.

Support them, whether they decide to stay or leave

Let them know that they are not alone. They need to make the decision.

Pass on information about support services available

Provide them with support numbers.

Offer to visit a One Stop Shop drop-in centre together

Practical help, such as childcare while they go to an appointment, can be a big help and gives them back some control.

Ask what they need from you to help them

Don’t pressure them if they’re not ready. Knowing they can trust and turn to you is important.

Have a look at the safety plan section

You can share your safety planning knowledge if appropriate but never force someone into a course of action i.e. suggesting a code word or keeping documents at your home.

Look after yourself

Approaching the conversation

reset

You've seen a red flag in your friend's relationship.
What do you want to do?
- You talk to other people to see if anyone else is concerned
  - The person you are worried about finds out, they feel hurt by what they see as gossiping
  - They feel they can't trust their friends and won't discuss their relationship concerns with them
  - This approach may unintentionally shut someone down and make it harder for them to feel safe and share their experience with domestic abuse. You can go back and choose another approach.
- You tell the person you're worried about that you don't like their partner, they seems abusive
  - The person feels defensive of their partner. They deny that this is abuse becoming angry
  - When the person begins to question whether they are experiencing abuse they feel too ashamed to talk to you
  - This approach may unintentionally shut someone down and make it harder for them to feel safe and share their experience with domestic abuse. You can go back and choose another approach.
- You tell your friend what you noticed and ask them how they feel about it
  - The person feels able to reflect on how it made them feel, even though they may not label it as an abusive tactic
  - If the person experiences other abusive tactics they feel able to talk to you
  - This approach creates a safe space for someone to begin opening up about their experience with domestic abuse.
You know they are in an abusive relationship.
What do you want to do?
- Tell them to leave the relationship and start making plans for them
  - It feels like you are trying to contol them too. The person feels pressure to go along with your plan, but they're not sure, and the risk to them is increasing
  - It's too dangerous. They back out, feel ashamed and not able to reach out to you again
  - This approach may unintentionally shut someone down and make it harder for them to feel safe and share their experience with domestic abuse. You can go back and choose another approach.
- Tell them about the services available. Now they have the information it's their choice what to do next
  - The person has more knowledge but might face challenges like access to a phone or childcare stopping them contacting services
  - Without support they might stuggle to contact specialist services, waiting longer or not reaching out at all
  - This approach may unintentionally shut someone down and make it harder for them to feel safe and share their experience with domestic abuse. You can go back and choose another approach.
- Ask what they would like to happen and how you can help. Talk to them about the services available and offer your support
  - They feel more in control, they can ask you for help to access services - this might be practical or emotional support
  - With your support they overcome barriers to getting help and get speacialist support to increase their safety
  - This approach creates a safe space for someone to begin opening up about their experience with domestic abuse.
You know abuse has been ongoing for a long time.
What do you do now?
- You stop offering to help. You offered support before but they don't take your advice and nothing changes
  - The person being controlled feels alone and ashamed. Leaving the abusive situation seems even more impossible
  - They don't have anyone to turn to. It feels like staying with the abusive person is the only option
  - This approach may unintentionally shut someone down and make it harder for them to feel safe and share their experience with domestic abuse. You can go back and choose another approach.
- You want to keep them safe so make ultimatums like 'If you don't leave, I wont talk to you any more'
  - It feels like you are trying to contol them too. Remember, leaving an abusive situation is dangerous. Ultimatums force action before everything is ready, increasing the risk
  - They leave without the right support in place, it's too hard or dangerous and they return to the abusive situation. They don't ask you for help again
  - This approach may unintentionally shut someone down and make it harder for them to feel safe and share their experience with domestic abuse. You can go back and choose another approach.
- You let them know that when they need you, you will be there to help. Leaving is hard
  - They know they can rely on you. Leaving an abusive situation is dangerous, they might need help getting to appointments, moving belongings or access to a computer
  - With your support they access specialist services when they feel able to. They feel supported and safer
  - This approach creates a safe space for someone to begin opening up about their experience with domestic abuse.

What people affected by domestic abuse often want

Victims often want to be asked because they don’t know how to start the conversation themselves. Asking about an issue can help the Victim feel heard.

“I’d say first and foremost have a non-judgmental attitude, have empathy and compassion and believe victims when they say they’re being abused.” Peace, Survivor Voice Ambassador.

Ask as early as possible.
Ask because you really want to know.
Keep asking the question.
Respond helpfully.
Believe them.

I remember texting a friend on the bus on the way home.

Just saying, I’m just on eggshells going home. It just feels awful. So I knew even early doors it wasn't right. For years, I convinced myself this was normal.
Jane

Stories That Break the Silence

Books, TV, films and podcasts tell stories that help people recognise the signs of abuse, understand its emotional complexity, and create space for honest conversations and healing. Here are some of our top picks.

Eggshells

A short film exploring domestic abuse in later life, highlighting coercive control, gaslighting, and emotional violence.

watch online

Van Wife

Exposes coercive control and emotional abuse behind a picture-perfect relationship, urging viewers to recognise red flags and speak out.

watch online

The Push: Murder on the Cliff

True-crime documentary investigating the murder of Fawziyah Javed, exposing coercive control and the justice system’s response to intimate partner violence.

watch online