I am hurting someone

I think my behaviour is abusive

If you think your actions could be harmful, you can seek guidance on how to recognise this, and find support to help prevent you from abusing people you care about.

If you find

You check up on your partner or ex-partner frequently (listening to their phone conversations, checking their car mileage, emails, texts)
You have control over their social media profiles.
You are being physically violent, emotionally abusing your partner, intimidating your partner, sexually abusing your partner.
You hold their passports, travel documents, driving licences.

Your behaviours are abusive.

You frequently put your partner or ex-partner down (calling them names, criticising them, humiliating them).
You try to control your partner or ex-partner (telling them who they can or can’t see, where they can and can’t go, what they can or can’t wear).
Your partner or ex-partner is afraid of what you will say or do.
You have access and control of bank accounts and/or benefits.

Taking responsibility

Abuse is a choice, your choice. There is no excuse and no one else to blame. The time to get help is now.

People who use abusive behaviours have to want to get help for themselves, to be prepared to work hard and to face up to what they have done and the damage they have caused to their partner, family members and children.

To be able to take responsibility for your actions and to stop blaming others takes strength and courage. If you are using abusive behaviours, you can choose what kind of person you want to be. There are agencies who can provide workshops and support to help you to stop this cycle of abuse.

Many people who use abusive behaviours constantly put the blame on their partner:

I’ll stop shouting at you or hitting you if you do this.
If you do that.
If you stop winding me up.
If you do what I say.

But the only person who is responsible for your actions is yourself.

Behaviour change

Recognise that your behaviour is seeking to control someone

Focus on the right of the other person to make their own decisions even if you disagree with them.

Recognise what triggers your behaviour of trying to control someone

Think about previous behaviours and situations and what has influenced them.

Figure out which coping strategies work best for you

Speak to professionals or attend peer to peer groups to develop and understand coping strategies.

Remember abuse is not about managing your anger

Abusive behaviour is a pattern of tactics and does not occur because you are not able to control your anger.

Build coping strategies into your life

Consider how to implement these strategies into daily life.

Identify what you can do to stop using harmful or abusive actions

You could take a break, leave the situation, and speak to someone to help you.

Make an action plan

Crisis Management

Your action plan could include some immediate ways to cool down.

1

Allow breathing space
Go somewhere safe and peaceful to take time out, collect your thoughts, and consider the consequences of your actions.

2

Look after your mental health
Poor mental health is never an excuse for abuse but it is hard to make the positive behaviour changes if you are not looking after you own well-being.

3

Reach out
Talk to someone outside of the situation. Some helpful links are Samaritans, Mental Health Matters, Release the Pressure.

4

Slow down
Focus on something else. Take a brisk walk, listen to music, or exercise.

5

Reflection
Reflect on how your behaviours have affected the people close to you.

How your actions affect your children

Domestic abuse can affect children physically, psychologically, emotionally and socially, even if we don’t think they are aware of the abuse.

Every child is different and may show some or none of the behaviours below:

Bedwetting
Stomach aches
Headaches
Sleep disturbances
Nightmares
Depression
Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness
Tired and lethargic
Not engaging at school/acting out
Desensitisation to pain
Regression in development milestones, for example, thumb sucking
Inability to regulate their emotions
Difficulty in trusting others
Holding themselves responsible for the abuse and feeling guilty
Excessively complying at school, being scared to break the rules

How to get help if you are abusing someone

Seek support/help

Recognise, explore and take responsibility for changing your own behaviour. Make contact with a group or service who may be able to help you with this.

Support options

Interventions Alliance
Community Domestic Abuse Programme (CDAP)
Respect

Interventions Alliance deliver a variety of one-to-one and group support that help people who use abusive or stalking behaviour in their relationships to address the root cause and to make positive changes.

These services are free and impartial and can help by giving practical and emotional support.

Find out more here – What we do – Interventions Alliance

CDAP is a rolling programme of sessions. Based on the Duluth Programme, it is designed to help men who feel their behaviour towards their partner has been, or is still, abusive.

Find out more here – Kent CDAP – Kent CDAP

Respect is a confidential helpline, email and webchat service for domestic abuse perpetrators and those supporting them.

Visit – Respect or call 0808 8024040.