Am I being abused?

In a healthy relationship, you are equal partners where:

• Respect: Both people listen and value each other’s feelings and opinions.
• Trust: You feel safe and can rely on each other. You don’t feel the need to check up on each other constantly.
• Honesty: You tell the truth and are open about your thoughts and feelings.
• Support: You encourage each other to do your best and are there for each other during tough times.
• Fairness: You share things equally and make decisions together. No one person is in control.
• Kindness: You treat each other with care and are nice to each other, even when you disagree.
• Fun: You enjoy spending time together and make each other laugh. You have fun and feel happy when you’re together.

In a unhealthy relationship, you are still equal partners but:

• Disrespect: one person doesn’t listen, makes fun of, or belittles the other.
• Lack of Trust: you feel like you can’t rely on the other person, or they constantly check up on you.
• Dishonesty: one person lies or hides things from the other.
• Lack of Support: one person doesn’t help or encourage the other, or puts them down.
• Unfairness: one person makes all the decisions or takes more than their share. It feels one-sided.
• Meanness: one person is unkind, hurts the other person’s feelings.
• Unhappiness: you don’t enjoy spending time together and feel sad, stressed, or anxious.

Domestic abuse moves beyond the unhealthy, where you are no longer equal in the relationship. One person is controlling the other.

In an abusive relationship you may experience:

• Physical Injuries: bruises, cuts, or other injuries.
• Emotional Abuse: constant criticism, name-calling, or belittling.
• Isolation: the person preventing you from having contact with friends and family, or monitoring your communication.
• Control: the person dictating what you wear, where you go, and who you see.
• Jealousy and Possessiveness: extreme jealousy and possessiveness, demanding constant attention.
• Financial Control: your access to money or financial resources being restricted.
• Fear and Anxiety: feeling afraid of your partner/family member or feeling anxious about their reactions.
• Unpredictable Behaviour: sudden mood swings or explosive temper from the person.

Abusive behaviours can have a profound and long lasting impact on you and your family, affecting people physically, emotionally, and mentally:

• Physical Health: you may suffer from injuries like bruises, broken bones, and chronic health issues due to stress.
• Emotional Trauma: you may have feelings of fear, anxiety, depression, and shame are common, often leading to long-term emotional trauma.
• Mental Health Issues: you have an increased risk of developing conditions such as PTSD, depression, and anxiety.
• Social Isolation: you may withdraw from friends and family, leading to loneliness and isolation.
• Self-Esteem: your self-worth and confidence are likely to be damaged.
• Behavioural Changes: you might avoid certain activities or people, and may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms.

• Harmful parental conflict is different from abuse.
  This is when disagreements between parents or caregivers affect children’s wellbeing. These might include arguments, unresolved disputes and poor communication, but it is not inherently abusive.
• Domestic abuse goes beyond disagreements and involves controlling
  behaviour. 
  Domestic abuse can include physical harm, sexual coercion and emotional manipulation, which directly harms children and creates an unsafe environment.

It is important to understand the difference and get the right support.
Find out more about reducing arguments and conflict between parents.

There are many reasons why someone experiencing domestic abuse doesn’t just leave. This doesn’t make them weak or a failure. You may talk to someone on many occasions about domestic abuse but they still may not feel able to leave.

Reasons might include:

• Safety concerns: leaving is the most dangerous time for you.
• Economic barriers: financial dependence on the abuser.
• Lack of alternative housing: feeling like you don’t having a safe place to go.
• Emotional factors: feelings of love, fear, guilt, and low self-worth.
• Social and cultural pressures: expectations from family, community, and gender roles.
• Minimising tactics: abusers may manipulate you into staying.
• Impact on children and dependents: concerns about their well-being.

Sometimes there can be long periods between incidents of abuse. The cycle of domestic abuse typically follows a repeating pattern with four stages:

• Calm/honeymoon: A temporary period of peace where the abusive person may act kindly or affectionately, giving you hope that things will always be this way, or will improve.
• Tension Building: Stress and tension increase, communication breaks down, and you feel anxious and fearful about what might happen next.
• Explosion/Incident: The abusive person uses verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, often involving anger, blaming, or intimidation.
• Making up/denial: The abusive person may apologise, make excuses, or deny the severity of the incident, sometimes blaming you. The relationship then moves back into the calm/honeymoon period.

This cycle can vary in duration, sometimes happening over days, weeks, or even months, but it often repeats, trapping you in a cycle of fear and manipulation.